surat untuk anak mama....

This is the long awaited confession that I had kept inside me since i know that I'm pregnant (or accidentally pregnant...as I would like to say)....It become as a shock first then did I manage to absorb the reality of there is another human being inside me that will remain inside for 9 month and 10 days that will remain inside my heart forever..

sorry anak mama sbb for the first 15 weeks you are inside..I never know your existence....aside from an abnormal bleeding that I thought is my normal result of chaotic hormones doing havoc in my menstrual cycle..I feel no such thing as morning sickness or whatsoever the privileges (or a torture) that other expecting mommy should have feel. My mood swing is tremendously making papa life crazy (he claimed it is still within his limit so I consider it okaylah....)

Then one night...I woke up and silently staring to the spaces...thinking and thinking.....about my life, our marriage, my PhD (I will write quite a lot about it in the future...InsyaAllah) and many more.....I'm in tears suddenly thinking how far had we come before coming to this stage and many more years and obstacle that will come after this ......I want to cry...then suddely I touch my tummy and I feel calmer.....thats when I knew you are there......

A short trip to the A**A to buy a pregnancy kits proved that it is a positive that somebodyis kicking inside me.....holding his dear life to me...solely to me......and I feel strong...had to be strong for my baby.....When I told him...he just smile and said that he can guess it all along the way.....he knew yoor presence long before me...(so I wont blame you if you love him more than me)

At this stage...it is a mixed of love hate relationship with you...I buy you clothes and all the preparation...people said Im glowing whenever I mentioned about you (its more about the shopping for you that make me glow to be honest...you will accept that in the future that your mum is a natural born shopaholic)...but deep inside...I really hate you to be honest, I feel like you had ruined my life, making it upside down, all my planning goes chaotic ...how will I manage...i'm freaking out..I'm not in crisis...I AM the crisis......

Tons and tons of talks to the mommy here and it turns me into a different feeling towards you...I dont hate you anymore...its nothing personal..I just dont feel any connection with you ( I did sounds cruel I think...but this is how I feel...I'm just being honest)

I told my SV about this and after a long discussion with both of them...they suggesting that I take a year leave and start again on next Jan 2009...It never occured to me to ever take that option as I know and believe that we can cope up with all this....they just said that as my project involved a lot of travelling and radiation......it better for me to take a year leave to adjust the life back to normal (it will never be the same again..I accept the fact when I know you are inside) and cherished my 1st year as a mommy and come back later with a fresh new start.....or another option is for me to have a more realistic projects that nearer to home...They really make me feel bad about you..they make me feel like you are a terminal disease in the making......ouccchhhhh...that really break me into pieces....

I find my solace in praying, reciting Qoran...finding the answer for my chaotic life....I tried to listen to others advices....making me more realistic...I guess...rather than freaking out....

Then I read this blogs.http://aljoofre.blogdrive.com/archive/141.html.... Subhanallah.such a good wake up call for me......

Apabila kita ditimpa futur, lemah atau bosan dalam perjalanan ilmu, dakwah dan perjuangan kita, kenangkanlah bagaimana Allah Subhanahu Wata'ala memerintahkan kita berjalan dan bersusah payah untuk mencari secebis ilmu, serta betapa bersusah payahnya para ulamak' terdahulu mencari, mengumpul kemudian menyebarkan ilmu pengetahuan.

Mama mula menerima hakikat dan makin rasional dlama pemikiran....you are not a burden...but a blessing for both of us....dalam kekalutan mama memikirkan tentang permulaan PhD yang sangat berliku ini..kehadiran anak mama menyedarkan mama untuk memikirkan sesuatu yang lebih besar dari PhD..keluarga dan kehidupan...dalam kepenatan dan kegundahan meragui kemampuan sendiri untuk melakukannya (3 more years to go)....kehadiran anak mama rupa2nya titipan peringatan dariNya untuk membuatkan mama lebih fokus dalam pengajian, supaya tidak pernah merasa gundah kerana sudah ini jalan yang mama pilih dan ditentukan untuk mama ..InsyaAllah....

Mama mula menerima hakkat kehadiran anak mama sebagai suatu nikmat yang tak semua orang boleh rasai. Bak kata papa awak....dalam banya2 pasangan yang menunggu nak dapatkan baby ..kenapa kita yang dipilih untuk jadi parents dia..sedangkan Allah boleh sahaja pilih utk letakkan baby ni dalam rencana hidup orang lain...Maha besar kuasa Dia...Subhanallah....dalma kekalutan membenci kehadirannya...dia rupa2nya yang terbaik utk kami.......you are a blessing baby..eventhough it is 19 weeks late to feel the connection and start loving you at least I am starting right.......

Kagum juga baca blog ini http://zlaa.blogspot.com/ yang byk bagi inspirasi how to cope up with PhD..bayangkanlah dgn 6 anak. this sis can manage to get through her life and still manage to pursue PhD at the same time...you are my inspiration.......
Baca2 balik komentar dalam blog ini.....rupa2nya bukan mama sorang je yangmenghadapi kesukaran buat PhD..its normal if:

1. your SV sid ' there is a lot of research had been done in this area' after you had spent a year preparing the proposal and ready to start the project...dont let it turn you down.....there is many research had been done but may more aspects to be carik and gali right...BTW PhD is not just about breaking the unknown code to the world, it is the starting point to get you familiar with the research and finding your way from there...

2. Never ever give up despite what others said..it may seems like you are the only person that know about your topic in this whole world....dont give up.....thats a groundbreaking rules

3. be realistic....it should be within time frame given to you to be completed...no delay...NO DELAY....jangan bertangguh-tangguh...IT WILL GET YOU NOWHERE.....

oppppsss....i am sorry ...i always get too suck up in my PhD that i forgot that we are talking about you....

ikhlas dari hati untuk anak mama...

Permulaan kehadiran mungkin bukan seperti yang dirancangkan...I put the blame on you for everything that goes wrong in my life...my sincerest apologies for that....I am not a good mother but I am trying.....

Sekarang...mama sangat2 menghargai kehadiran anak mama..penguat semangat mama, penebat ketakutan mama, rahmat yang datang dalma diam...walau tidak dirancang.....namun keberkatannya dirasai dalam setiap perbuatan dan kehidupan mama sehari-hari....

I maybe become too obsess with my thesis later (and now) but I guess you will always keep me grounded and leading the way on our family pursuit to happiness.....Ya Allah tunjukkanlah jalan...permudahkanlah perhitungan..wlau byk manapun cabaran mendatang..kuatkanlah hati kami untuk menghadapi segala dugaan......Sesungguhnya Ya Allah..hanya diriMu yang mengetahui apa yang terbaik untuk kami......Ya Allah kepadamu kami berserah.....

Mama doakan surat ini tidak akan mengurangkan kasih sayang kita, malah akan membuatkan kita lebih memahami dan menghargai indahnya kasih sayang keluarga kecil kita ini...Insya Allah.....

Dengan penuh kasih sayang untuk anak mama....
Mama....

bahagia....

hanya mereka yang mengenal dirinya sahajalah yang akan mencpai kebahagiaan yang sebenar.....dan mereka yang mengenal dirinya akan turut sama mengenali kekuasaan mamahami hakikat keTuhanan Illahi......

boxing day....ggggrrrrrr

today is the long awaited day since christmas..the day when all the cash machine ran out of money, the day when credit card hit it jackpot users at a million and the day that not worth spending anywhere else except at shopping complex....in my case the CO....
we get up at 7am,rush to have breakfast at DK house at around 7.40am and then rush to CO with KY and AS.....
my 1st angry mode for that day is...
waiting for him getting ready for 15 minutes in the car...grrrrrrr
i
get there and rushing with all the shopaholic to get the best bargain....my oh my.....it does takes lots of stamina tokeep on fighting for thr right size with the right design......

my 2nd angry mode for that day....
he ask to go separate way for shopping as he mentioned

' i only had a 1/10 of your need to buy item that i want to go and it wont take much time as yours...give me a call when you need me'....ggrrrrrr

keep on shopping....i dont mind as my mind is busy calculating the budget........

my 3rd angry mode for that day
he make a stupid jokes at the lunch table with our friends.....ohhhh.....please grow up.....grrrrrr

my 4th angry mode for that day...
he said
'tak paham bahasa ke jgn batalkan my wudhuk when I ACCIDENTALLY brush against his hands in my effort to give him his favourite chestnut while struggling with the loads of shopping bag...'
that make me stunned and break into tears silently on our home....grrrrrrr

my 5th angry mode for the day....
when he made another childish act at DK house with his irrelevant jokes of MMB.....i dont give a damn about it..itsnot funny at allllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll......im tired and i want to go back.......arrrgggghhhhh

there goes my long awaited day.....
timberland size 8 shoes doesnt have anymore meaning, the NEXT maternity trousers that cost a fortune doesnt give me any satisfaction, the baby GAP bundle of clothing is left on the floor....interestless and waiting to be kick in my angry mode....and even my new eyeshadow doesnt give any extra brightness as it claims......

he did try his very best..I know...busy finding presents for my bro when I'm busy on my angry mode, searching for the best insurance cover when im busy walking from door to door finding the best bargain and willingly escorting my maniac shopping spree visits to CO when he can choose to play futsal with his friend instead and buying me the M&S belgian choc that I had longed for so long (5 boxes of it)......

its not that I'm ungrateful...but its really getting on my nerves sometimesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss.....grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.......

pstttt...baby...mama bought you a cute baby GAP vest with matching hats.......we will check on it when mama feel a ltlle bit calmer ok baby......for the time being let your papa had his sleep in hungry mode..padan muka......:D

The Muslim’s 25 rules for life

1. Start off each day with ‘adhkaar al-istiyqaadh’ (waking up Supplications) , thanking Allah for waking up in good shape.

2. Put Allah first in your life.

3. Broaden your horizons - learn 5 new verses from the Quran every day, travel to pray far in the mosque to brighten your day,take up a booklet having supplications and read them.

4. Pray Salaat Al-dhuhaa (after sunrise).

5. If someone says something mean ;to you, just shrug it off and dismiss it in a friendly, laidback manner, and pray that Allah shall forgive them.

6. When you get angry, remember Allah, and how short and worthless life is to waste in being Angry.

7. Remember that you can never have too many friends, but you can have few quality friends that help you fulfill the purpose of your creation (i.e. live for Allah).

8. When you’re happy, try to share your happiness with others. Thank Allah for that, and pray its continuation.

9. When something ba d or embarrassing happens to you, just think that it could always be worse, remember the reward of patience,and thank Allah that it’s not worse than it is.

10. Do something extra of goodness once in a while, like feeding a poor person, or caressing an orphan’s head.

11. Never stop believing that you can win Allah’s love and thus work For it. Then you can win the love of Allah’s slaves.

12. Spend some time thinking of Allah’s amazing creation.

13. Always love those who love Allah unconditionally. This way you will ensure that you live for Him, love for Him, and hate for Him(those who are enemies of Him).

14. Find the righteous ways to express yourself, and if you think that what you are about to say shall cause no benefit, maintain silence (this is tough!!).

15. Every now and then, give yourself a break. Play sports, give time to your family, friends, but always remember Allah and watch that He is watching you.

16. Pray for blessing to come to those being lost, and pray to Allah to guide them to the right path.

17. Hug your parents, kiss their hands and heads and always obey but stop at Allah’s orders.

18. Smile to everyone, for your smile makes a big difference to him or her and you are rewarded.

19. Forgive, forget and smile.

20. Tears are not for women only… tears are for all human beings with feelings remaining in them. Don’t restrain your tears when remembering Allah.

21. When people criticize your actions and effort, revise your actions and see if they please Allah or no. If they do; then ignore and remember how the Prophet (SAAW) and the Sahaba were criticized, made fun of and even physically harmed, so have patience.

22. Read the Quran daily and try to have a schedule for completing it as much as you could. As you open the Quran daily, read with observing not just passing your eyes through the words.

23. Don’t let popularity go to your head, for it never lasts and you may lose from it more than gain.

24. Never look down on anybody, for, to Allah, they may be better than you.

25. Send this to all brothers with the intention of having a healthy society living for Allah and pray to Allah for the reward.

sunday blues

One blogger give me a good advice today..keeping my spirits up after a fall out from reality a couple of weeks ago. Had 2 projects to finish my Master and a proposal waiting for my PhD....quite a stressfull time but if lot of people out there can do it..so am I.....I choose this way and there is no turning back only one way to go....up and forward....

We are doing our first korban this year. 1st HB ckap tak nak cause kekurangna budget, then we realize that if anything...takda duit should not be a reason for us not to do our duty...benda lain boleh beli...takkanlah berkorban skit tak bolehkan...manage to book for a korban from a pakistan shop nearby our house a day before eid adha and then distribut it to our community a day after eid. On the day of the eid itself spent whole day kat ofis, finishing up my writing (still have a long way to Go), then balik at around 4.30pm cause dh gelap sgt...than go to open house held by our community member...balik then doze to sleep....kenyang tak hingat

kadang2 rasa tak adil bila sumer yang terkeluar dari mulut dan terlafaz dari hati cumalah keluahan sahaj ..rasa mcam orang yang tak bersyukur..I am grateful Ya Allah...just trying my best to keep on fightin cause I know this is the fate that you had lead me to be in this life...
Pasti ada hikmah why after being a fiance to somebody else, I met my Mr Right to the person just by my side all the way, gettting married despite all the odds that go against our way, being separated for almost a year living in this cold country alone, Alhamdullillah then he manage to be here, being 'accidentally' pregnant during my final year in Master and coping up with it together with the stress of my starting year in PhD..This is my story...our fight together..searching for a calmer soul, a better destiny.....Ya Allah tunjukkanlah jalan, permudahkanlah perhitungan.......

To Ibu....Thank You for your encouragement.. i did manage to shed a tears reading it...at least when it feels like the whole world is against me..I can find solace in knowing that He believe in me and there is a another angel sent to give me an encouragement......Thanks a lot....;D

my battle....my fight......

smalam tepon mama...ckap HB h ada sini , hr tones tiba2 change dr suka kpada total disgust...I know that she resent him.....thats the price for being an unwanted and unwelcome menantu..ckap kat HB...dia kata takpelah..give her time....InsyaAllah lama2 sejuklah hati dia...yang penting kita usaha utk berjaya......kuat betul semangat dia.....

semalam HB keje dr pkul 7pm -2am. Keje PT je...sbelum dpat keje permanent. Kitorang bkan org senang...mmg fully depend on scholarship...kalo tak berjimat mmglah haru.....kdg2 takut jgak tgk cara dia spend duit on unnecessary thing mcam for a 2nd PS2?apa relevantnya?nak main dgn kaki plak ke? ai kang kalo sound lebeh2..kena speku plak...kang ada yang meraung lagi.......

tsmalam sambil tgu dia balik msak karipap ikan....uishhhh....sedapnya...dh lama teringin nk mkan tapi tak rajin2 nak buat....anyhow...today feeling much better and berazam nak siapkan assignment before coming christmas.....I'll prove to them that I can do much better and higher than their expectation.....It pays time....I'm not going to let them win...this is my battle...and I must fight for it.....after all....it is not what others say that hurt you the most....it is what your reaction towards it that count...'steven covey'

the start of our story......

hmm....how should I start our story....it starts 12 years ago...1st time i met him is during our secondary school...the new guy from urban city met the girl from a rural village (the only village that will listen to hitz.fm till the end of the world...according to him)..i so in love with hating him that i can even commit harakiri just by seeing a glance of him.....but after 12 years of hate and endless arguments later..i am now his wife......and this is our story..............

my mil & ma.....

my mil is somebody that I can describe as a super mom. She will go to an extra miles just to make sure her beloved children is happy.....and I really mean it.....
1st time jumpa dia masa time dia ajak breakfast kat chow kit..nearby my office....nasib baik masa tu tgh free bolehlah kuar kejap minum2 dgn dia....a very nice lady...even masa tu baru 1st time jumpa pun ...aku dh jatuh hati dgn dia....like my hubby said...people will fall in love with her first before fall in love with her son...yuppp..true....i am then and getting more now.....
she is quite flexible...a very busy person with the business to be handle tapi still taking some time off for entertainment...sharing the love on music with my husband.....
despite her age...she is so rock ....dia punya cerita psal dunia hiburan more than me...sejak belum kawen lagi ..kitorang selalu jugak pi tgk wayang sama2....kdang2 kita yang tak larat nak tgk midnight..my mil maintain je.
my mom plak..she is more down to earth..tak suka sgt hiburan..her only choice of entertainment is being with her children....masa kat mesia..everyday mesti tnya bila nak balik kg....rindu katanya...akupun....tiap2 mgu lalu highway pulang temankan mom....i know she is lonely...ada adik kat umahpun...budak laki...bak kata my mom..bukan nak layan sgt mama ni...so tiap kali balik layan jelah mama punya celoteh..sedih kdang2 bila teringat time kitorang susah dulu....betapa sukarnya dia besarkan kitorang..dahlah sorang2...gaji ciput je...but dia tak pernah merungut....aku kagumi dia dengan segala kelembutan dan ketenangan...aku rindu pelukan cinta dari mama....amat2 rindu sekarang.......
her effort to see us happy is unbelievable...dia...wanita yang aku sgt hormati dgn ketegasannya, aku kagumi keanggunannya...dan aku rindui ketenangannya menghadapi apa saja dugaan mendatang.....syukur pada Tuhan...kerana sekrang aku dh ada dua wanita yang snagta istimewa dlam hidup aku..mama dan mak..tq ladies of my heart...i owe you the world and its content......

i dunno

aku kadang2 rasa menyampah dengan dunia ni...bukan menyalahkan Pencipta...takda niat langsung...cuma kadang2 rasa nak sepak je muka2 sesetengah orang yang rasa bagus sgt...macam tak pernah buat salah...helllo.....korang pun manusia ok.....tolonglah....ingat bagus sgt ke........
paling pantang aku bila orang sesuka hati je nak pandang2 slack kat aku pastu...suka2 hati atuk dia jugak nak buat assumption kat aku...ishhhh...menyampah aku dibuatnya......try to be in my shoes and you will know...
i know that life is not easy for you...nor it is for me......the least you can do is.....stop judging me.......ohhhh....pleaseeeeeeeeeee..............

a long hard journey.......

to be honest i am a mess right now......everything and everyone is making me feel down.....my SV semalam tetiba je ckap..can you cope up with the stress of being in your 1st year and coping up with being a mum for the first time? she even suggest me to take a year off.......balik je dari ofis.....feeling so down..that I end up sulking all the way...sampai je depan pintu burst into tears o my HB shoulder....rasa mcam crumble into pieces.....feeling useless and nothing......
try to go to sleep but asyik terjaga je.....I cant stop thinking about the future....I know we have take a very big step to get married and come here....penghijrahan kami ke sini satu pengorbanan dan perjudian paling besar......this is the time and place where we either make it or break it....
sorry baby...if you ever read this someday..I just want you to know that you are the bundle of joy that we are waiting for...wlaupun kdg2 I do feel some sort of hate and doubt to have you, mama percaya dengan takdirnya......pasti ada hikmah kenapa mama and papa got you at this time of crisis...

A couple of days ago...a kakak that I thought is somebody that I can rely on (for mental support) just blew off my confidence......I just beritahu kat dia that I am pregnant and in my 18th week now....reaction dia ialah 'pity you..kesiannya benda ni jadi kat korang...Ya Allah....mcamana boleh pregnant ni?'....a words that come from a mother of 4.......mixed feeling lepas dgr dia ckap mcam tu........is what am I doing a mistake?salah ke to have a baby when you are studying? is this a risk?ini blessing ke burden dlam hidup kami?...balik ..trus ckap dgn HB.....kata2 dia menyejukkan hati dan membuatkan aku berfikir......simple je ayat dia...'awak...mesti ada hikmah kenapa dlam byk2 pasangan yg nak dpat anak..Allah berikan anugerah ni dalam hidup kita....dlam kekalutan kita mencari tapak di bumi ini...anugerah tidak terduga ini datang dlam hidup kita....'....aku bersyukur Ya Allah..kuatkanlah semangat aku untuk menghadapi semua ini dengan penuh ketenangan dan keyakinan diri anugerah dari Mu.....aku bukan tamak...tapi InsyaAllah dengan redhaMu dan kekuatan yang Kau berikan kepada kami , kami akan dpat hadapi semua ini...berjaya dalam pengajian dan dlam msa yang sama jadi contoh keluarga Islam yang terbaik...RedhaMu ku cari Ya Allah..tunjukkanlah jalan..permudahkanlah perhitungan.......