to be honest i am a mess right now......everything and everyone is making me feel down.....my SV semalam tetiba je ckap..can you cope up with the stress of being in your 1st year and coping up with being a mum for the first time? she even suggest me to take a year off.......balik je dari ofis.....feeling so down..that I end up sulking all the way...sampai je depan pintu burst into tears o my HB shoulder....rasa mcam crumble into pieces.....feeling useless and nothing......
try to go to sleep but asyik terjaga je.....I cant stop thinking about the future....I know we have take a very big step to get married and come here....penghijrahan kami ke sini satu pengorbanan dan perjudian paling besar......this is the time and place where we either make it or break it....
sorry baby...if you ever read this someday..I just want you to know that you are the bundle of joy that we are waiting for...wlaupun kdg2 I do feel some sort of hate and doubt to have you, mama percaya dengan takdirnya......pasti ada hikmah kenapa mama and papa got you at this time of crisis...
A couple of days ago...a kakak that I thought is somebody that I can rely on (for mental support) just blew off my confidence......I just beritahu kat dia that I am pregnant and in my 18th week now....reaction dia ialah 'pity you..kesiannya benda ni jadi kat korang...Ya Allah....mcamana boleh pregnant ni?'....a words that come from a mother of 4.......mixed feeling lepas dgr dia ckap mcam tu........is what am I doing a mistake?salah ke to have a baby when you are studying? is this a risk?ini blessing ke burden dlam hidup kami?...balik ..trus ckap dgn HB.....kata2 dia menyejukkan hati dan membuatkan aku berfikir......simple je ayat dia...'awak...mesti ada hikmah kenapa dlam byk2 pasangan yg nak dpat anak..Allah berikan anugerah ni dalam hidup kita....dlam kekalutan kita mencari tapak di bumi ini...anugerah tidak terduga ini datang dlam hidup kita....'....aku bersyukur Ya Allah..kuatkanlah semangat aku untuk menghadapi semua ini dengan penuh ketenangan dan keyakinan diri anugerah dari Mu.....aku bukan tamak...tapi InsyaAllah dengan redhaMu dan kekuatan yang Kau berikan kepada kami , kami akan dpat hadapi semua ini...berjaya dalam pengajian dan dlam msa yang sama jadi contoh keluarga Islam yang terbaik...RedhaMu ku cari Ya Allah..tunjukkanlah jalan..permudahkanlah perhitungan.......
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