surat untuk anak mama....

This is the long awaited confession that I had kept inside me since i know that I'm pregnant (or accidentally pregnant...as I would like to say)....It become as a shock first then did I manage to absorb the reality of there is another human being inside me that will remain inside for 9 month and 10 days that will remain inside my heart forever..

sorry anak mama sbb for the first 15 weeks you are inside..I never know your existence....aside from an abnormal bleeding that I thought is my normal result of chaotic hormones doing havoc in my menstrual cycle..I feel no such thing as morning sickness or whatsoever the privileges (or a torture) that other expecting mommy should have feel. My mood swing is tremendously making papa life crazy (he claimed it is still within his limit so I consider it okaylah....)

Then one night...I woke up and silently staring to the spaces...thinking and thinking.....about my life, our marriage, my PhD (I will write quite a lot about it in the future...InsyaAllah) and many more.....I'm in tears suddenly thinking how far had we come before coming to this stage and many more years and obstacle that will come after this ......I want to cry...then suddely I touch my tummy and I feel calmer.....thats when I knew you are there......

A short trip to the A**A to buy a pregnancy kits proved that it is a positive that somebodyis kicking inside me.....holding his dear life to me...solely to me......and I feel strong...had to be strong for my baby.....When I told him...he just smile and said that he can guess it all along the way.....he knew yoor presence long before me...(so I wont blame you if you love him more than me)

At this stage...it is a mixed of love hate relationship with you...I buy you clothes and all the preparation...people said Im glowing whenever I mentioned about you (its more about the shopping for you that make me glow to be honest...you will accept that in the future that your mum is a natural born shopaholic)...but deep inside...I really hate you to be honest, I feel like you had ruined my life, making it upside down, all my planning goes chaotic ...how will I manage...i'm freaking out..I'm not in crisis...I AM the crisis......

Tons and tons of talks to the mommy here and it turns me into a different feeling towards you...I dont hate you anymore...its nothing personal..I just dont feel any connection with you ( I did sounds cruel I think...but this is how I feel...I'm just being honest)

I told my SV about this and after a long discussion with both of them...they suggesting that I take a year leave and start again on next Jan 2009...It never occured to me to ever take that option as I know and believe that we can cope up with all this....they just said that as my project involved a lot of travelling and radiation......it better for me to take a year leave to adjust the life back to normal (it will never be the same again..I accept the fact when I know you are inside) and cherished my 1st year as a mommy and come back later with a fresh new start.....or another option is for me to have a more realistic projects that nearer to home...They really make me feel bad about you..they make me feel like you are a terminal disease in the making......ouccchhhhh...that really break me into pieces....

I find my solace in praying, reciting Qoran...finding the answer for my chaotic life....I tried to listen to others advices....making me more realistic...I guess...rather than freaking out....

Then I read this blogs.http://aljoofre.blogdrive.com/archive/141.html.... Subhanallah.such a good wake up call for me......

Apabila kita ditimpa futur, lemah atau bosan dalam perjalanan ilmu, dakwah dan perjuangan kita, kenangkanlah bagaimana Allah Subhanahu Wata'ala memerintahkan kita berjalan dan bersusah payah untuk mencari secebis ilmu, serta betapa bersusah payahnya para ulamak' terdahulu mencari, mengumpul kemudian menyebarkan ilmu pengetahuan.

Mama mula menerima hakikat dan makin rasional dlama pemikiran....you are not a burden...but a blessing for both of us....dalam kekalutan mama memikirkan tentang permulaan PhD yang sangat berliku ini..kehadiran anak mama menyedarkan mama untuk memikirkan sesuatu yang lebih besar dari PhD..keluarga dan kehidupan...dalam kepenatan dan kegundahan meragui kemampuan sendiri untuk melakukannya (3 more years to go)....kehadiran anak mama rupa2nya titipan peringatan dariNya untuk membuatkan mama lebih fokus dalam pengajian, supaya tidak pernah merasa gundah kerana sudah ini jalan yang mama pilih dan ditentukan untuk mama ..InsyaAllah....

Mama mula menerima hakkat kehadiran anak mama sebagai suatu nikmat yang tak semua orang boleh rasai. Bak kata papa awak....dalam banya2 pasangan yang menunggu nak dapatkan baby ..kenapa kita yang dipilih untuk jadi parents dia..sedangkan Allah boleh sahaja pilih utk letakkan baby ni dalam rencana hidup orang lain...Maha besar kuasa Dia...Subhanallah....dalma kekalutan membenci kehadirannya...dia rupa2nya yang terbaik utk kami.......you are a blessing baby..eventhough it is 19 weeks late to feel the connection and start loving you at least I am starting right.......

Kagum juga baca blog ini http://zlaa.blogspot.com/ yang byk bagi inspirasi how to cope up with PhD..bayangkanlah dgn 6 anak. this sis can manage to get through her life and still manage to pursue PhD at the same time...you are my inspiration.......
Baca2 balik komentar dalam blog ini.....rupa2nya bukan mama sorang je yangmenghadapi kesukaran buat PhD..its normal if:

1. your SV sid ' there is a lot of research had been done in this area' after you had spent a year preparing the proposal and ready to start the project...dont let it turn you down.....there is many research had been done but may more aspects to be carik and gali right...BTW PhD is not just about breaking the unknown code to the world, it is the starting point to get you familiar with the research and finding your way from there...

2. Never ever give up despite what others said..it may seems like you are the only person that know about your topic in this whole world....dont give up.....thats a groundbreaking rules

3. be realistic....it should be within time frame given to you to be completed...no delay...NO DELAY....jangan bertangguh-tangguh...IT WILL GET YOU NOWHERE.....

oppppsss....i am sorry ...i always get too suck up in my PhD that i forgot that we are talking about you....

ikhlas dari hati untuk anak mama...

Permulaan kehadiran mungkin bukan seperti yang dirancangkan...I put the blame on you for everything that goes wrong in my life...my sincerest apologies for that....I am not a good mother but I am trying.....

Sekarang...mama sangat2 menghargai kehadiran anak mama..penguat semangat mama, penebat ketakutan mama, rahmat yang datang dalma diam...walau tidak dirancang.....namun keberkatannya dirasai dalam setiap perbuatan dan kehidupan mama sehari-hari....

I maybe become too obsess with my thesis later (and now) but I guess you will always keep me grounded and leading the way on our family pursuit to happiness.....Ya Allah tunjukkanlah jalan...permudahkanlah perhitungan..wlau byk manapun cabaran mendatang..kuatkanlah hati kami untuk menghadapi segala dugaan......Sesungguhnya Ya Allah..hanya diriMu yang mengetahui apa yang terbaik untuk kami......Ya Allah kepadamu kami berserah.....

Mama doakan surat ini tidak akan mengurangkan kasih sayang kita, malah akan membuatkan kita lebih memahami dan menghargai indahnya kasih sayang keluarga kecil kita ini...Insya Allah.....

Dengan penuh kasih sayang untuk anak mama....
Mama....